1 Cup of Introversion, 1 Cup of Detachment, and a Teaspoon of Germaphobia

Becoming a germaphobe is a logical addition to the existence of a detached introvert.  I have a minor touch of germaphobia – it is transparent to most of the world (I think).  

It doesn’t keep me confined to my home.  I don’t wear a surgical mask and gloves when I go out in public.  But I do have a little container of hand gel in my pocket at all times.  I do take notice of the layout of public bathrooms- ideally faucets, soap dispensers and paper towels are touchless.  Automatic hand dryers are not favored, because I need a paper towel to wrap around the door handle when I exit.  

I do shake hands, although I do keep in mind that my right hand needs sanitizing at the next opportunity, and I certainly won’t eat or drink anything until then.  Until I wash that hand, in my mind, it is the giant, throbbing, bright red hand of a cartoon character that just had his hand crushed by a hammer. It is screaming for attention.

But what does this have to do with being a detached person?  I think it is a condition that supports my premise that I am better off being away from others.  If I were on a deserted island, I would have little chance of getting the stomach flu because someone wiped his ass and then inexplicably decided not to wash his hands, but rather touched common surfaces with those infection-laden hands and exposed me to his sickness.  

It allows me to judge others.  If you are coughing into your hands, or just plain coughing in some awful, wet, raspy manner out in public instead of in the comfort and solitude of your home, I conclude that you are inconsiderate and dense.  And this feeds my detachment condition.

So yes, my germaphobia is legitimate- I genuinely have a strong aversion to being  exposed to germs and viruses.  But it also feeds my antisocial condition, which degrades the quality of my life significantly

Perceptions of the Detached (v.20150417)

There was an old Twilight Zone rerun I remember watching as a teen (“Time Enough at Last”, 1959), where I believe there was some sort of nuclear holocaust, and the only living person was this bookworm who was heavily henpecked by his wife.  The guy was totally elated to be the only survivor, as he now was free from being bothered by everyone, and could spend the rest of his life doing what he loved, reading books.  Of course as he made his way to the library, he ended up breaking his eyeglasses, tragically leaving him unable to read ever again in a world lacking ophthalmologists.

As a teen, I was jealous of this guy (up until the point where he broke his glasses).  Books, primarily science fiction, were my escape.  (If only I could have valued school books similarly, I wouldn’t have finished in the bottom third of my class in high school).  Fast forward decades, I’m still the same person.  I want to be left alone, all the time.  But what kind of life is that?

Engaging with others for long durations is awkward and exhausting.  The digital age is a godsend, being able to text and email instead of communicating in person on on the phone.  Big group interactions are best proceeded by a few drinks to take the edge off.

I have a pretty clear idea of why I became this person.  Part of the utility of this blog is to walk myself through how I got here, and possibly explore how I can mitigate these urges to be isolated.  If nothing else, I’m sure that there are countless others that can relate.  It is more than just shyness or introversion.

The Despair of Needlessly Getting Others Ill

A chat with a neighbor, as our kids are playing together outside:

Neighbor: So 5yrOldKid is feeling better today

Me: Really?  What was the matter with him?

Neighbor: He had a really high fever.  He was sweating badly all night, at one point I walked in his room and I could actually feel the room was stuffy because he was burning up.

Me: Last night?

Neighbor: Yes, actually early this morning.  He felt better and I didn’t want to keep him inside.  1yrOldKid (in a stroller in front of her) is starting to run a temp, I should probably have him inside, but I have to be out here with the other two.

Me: (crickets)

WTF?  How does she think her kids got sick, did a virus just drop from the sky and afflict them?  No, they were exposed to some other kid with a virus, and now she is exposing my kids to the virus.  I brought them inside and had them wash up, but they played for a half hour before this revelation of their playmates’ sickness.

I’m just totally shocked that some sort of medieval style plague hasn’t wiped our stupid species from the planet, because even though we have knowledge of why people get sick, we don’t have the common sense cognitive capability to associate this knowledge personally into our own lives and refrain from engaging in behavior that makes other people sick.  Exasperating, exhausting, confounding.

Introversion

I don’t think you can will yourself out of being a severe introvert.  At best, the anxiety of having your inner world constantly intruded upon can be dulled through short periods of escape- a bathroom stall, an empty stairwell, or lingering in your car in the parking lot can be lifesaving.

Gym showers

This  is clearly a first world problem, but I always feel so empty and deprived when I don’t get a hot shower at the gym

Advice to my young children version 20150414

Develop and maintain your pre-digital age skills.  Before you were born, people used to memorize phone numbers, navigate with paper maps, do math with a pencil and paper, etc.  Your brains are incredible machines, you can manage without using electronics as a crutch for every calculation in life

Not that I’m trying to avoid

obese people, but if that was my objective, statistically the stairwell at work seems to be a pretty safe place.  

Contradicting perceptions

There are few scenes that are as simultaneously graceful and ominous as a military airborne event 

  

Genuine Draft?

There was a guy in the gym wearing a Miller Genuine Draft shirt- the puzzling nature of promoting a bottled / canned product as being something more desirable based upon being genuinely from the dingy spout of a dark pub or a college kegger made me wonder why other products didn’t go with this marketing, ie Jack Daniels Genuine Backwoods Distillery or a wine company offering “Genuine Boxed Wine ” in a bottle.

Tipping

The lady who sells coffee in my work cafeteria who is extremely nice and pleasant, shorted me $1 on my change.  Reflexively, I politely brought it to her attention and she handed me the dollar.  Now, I wish I had just let her keep it, she deserves a tip, doesn’t have a tip jar, and just shoving money at her next time would be really awkward.